There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
