I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
