I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize