my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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