Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
