sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
