see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
