dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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