he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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