I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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