I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Let's get the cat blown out
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
