i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
