Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
