I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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