i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
