He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
