I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
