Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
