I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize