I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
