The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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