Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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