I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
