I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
