I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
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