Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
