she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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