He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
