if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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