I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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