I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
