I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
