Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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