Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
