Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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