i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
