Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
