My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
