make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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