So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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