there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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