I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
