she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
