but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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