Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
