She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize