Where is the hickey?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
