Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
