Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
