if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
When did angry sex become our thing?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
