see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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