my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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