So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
