in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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