i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
