i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
