Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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