My friends, they love my intelligence
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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