Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
