He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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