I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
