i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
