I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
