Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
