I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize